Sunday, October 12, 2003

The assholes are chirping!

The first full day I spent as a resident of our "living city" I witnessed likely the best example of human conflict ever!

The scene: Bay Street, near Wellington.
The players: Suit on foot; Suit in van.
The time: roughly 10am

So this 30-something guy is getting dropped off, presumably in front of his office tower, by his wife (presumably). The driver--the wife, as I have referred to her as--stopped in front of a service alleyway (woman driver, no survivor) and the two are kiss-kissing their way through a farewell. An older suit in a van pulls up and decides that he wants to shove his van down this service alleyway, but (gasp!) the car is blocking his path! The suit in the van gives his horn a friendly toot, as if to say GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!. The following scene unfolded before my eyes, much to my delight:

Foot Suit- Hey, asshole!
Van Suit- You're the asshole!
Foot Suit- Whatever, asshole!
Van Suit- Give yourself a shake, asshole!

Foot Suit does not give himself a shake and once the car pulls away, Van Suit tries to drive, quite literally, over Foot Suit. Foot Suit is left looking very much on the short end of the stick, sprinting for his life in his pointy leather shoes, his jacket no longer coolly flung over his shoulder--it's flapping now more like a flag--a flag that says "I, I am the asshole!"

What I find most exciting is that neither man wanted to escalate the cursing beyond the word asshole. I mean, the whole escapade, from first contact to attempted murder, took maybe 8 seconds. It was fabulously quick! And neither one even came close to resorting to "FUCK OFF!" or "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" or even the hybrid "You're the fucking asshole, man!". I mean, that's the evolution of communication in this city! Haven't they lived here long enough to know that you don't even say Hello! to folks in this city before saying Have you fucked yourself today?. I mean, that's the natural evolution of communication in Toronto:

A- Hello!
B- Fuck you! And how are the kids?

A- Would you like to Super Size that today, ma'am?
B- Did you just fucking call me fat? Where's your fucking manager, you teenage fucking piece of fucking shit?
A- (to the MacDonald's burger sous chef) Fucking spit in this bitch's McWrap!

I am also suspicious that the word "fuck" might possess a literal, homosexual, connotation and neither man was interested in flirting with the chance of being misunderstood. As in, "If I tell him to 'Fuck off!', will he think that I want to have penis-in-bum relations?".

But give yourself a shake? Who says that to someone?

No comments: