Thursday, November 27, 2003

Drunkin' Donuts

My happy little family lives near the Don Jail.

We play on the same street that small time crooks, cat mutilators, drunks, and hardened murderers call home. When they've done their debt to society, these same crooks are vomited back into circulation a stone's throw from our front door. From where I rest my head on my pillow, when the hedges are clipped just right, I can watch them rediscover freedom. . .and occasionally take a piss on the building.
Or run for their first beer in days--maybe even weeks!

Which means that we, the crooks and I, use the same transit stop.

Which, statistically, means that I've shared a morning commute with countless nere-do-wells over my tenure in the city. I try to look my best for them.

And the anthropology has been great!
See, these dudes get kicked out of the Don with all their personal belongings (for some, this accounts for 'all their worldly belongings' as well) in a baggie. On the baggie is a list of the contents that the aforementioned criminals had on their person at the time of their arrest. The list is to stand as a record that "Johnny No-Good had thirty-four cents, nail clippers, a pornographic deck of cards, and a red mesh cap when the Man came a' knockin'--SO DON'T TOUCH! He'll be back to claim these things once his life has cooled down a little."

The first unlawful act that most newly re-patriated men do, excusing the ones who urinate on the Don, is litter. The little baggie sets sail in the dusty Don Valley breeze, and the reinstated member of the voting populous is at large. I've found that these baggies make great reading.

The best--absolute best--that I have ever read on one of these baggies also happens to carry the distinction of being the BIGGEST baggie that I have ever seen as well. This huge baggie read: wallet (empty), 6 keys, pack of 6 chocolate donuts.
Who gets sent to the hoosegow with a three day supply of donuts?
And the other question that begs asking--
Were the donuts still edible when he got them back?

If you were picked up by the coppers today, what would your evidence baggie read? Something else to consider in the morning while you're putting on your clean underwear; Mom was always afraid that you'd befall an accident with dirty drawers, but never cautioned you about incarceration with a Britney Spears album.

Think about it.

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