Tuesday, December 30, 2003

"Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"

Now that Christmas is over, and New Year's Eve nearing its annual go-around, it's time to start focusing on Valentine's Day.

And nothing pleases me more than to deliver a story of unconventional romance straight from the heart of Toronto's zaniest neighbourhood east of Yonge St.--the Arse of Riverdale!

Bruce Cockburn never said that being lovers was a safe proposition; apparently employees of Riverdale Farm share Cockburn's mother-like apprehension.

I wonder if this is what Stompin' Tom would call a 'Thunder Bay Thursday Afternoon'?

Oddly enough, the encounter was shunned by the "dauntless" reporters of The Friends of Riverdale Farm who chose to favour more mainstream newsworthy events. Even then, the "Friends" news is so sanitized and Bowderdized that their on-line publication can barely pass for something more than 'fairy tales'. Following are examples from the "News" page with modest injections of the truth: "English Black Sow 'Mathilda' and the birth of her piglets" (out of wedlock); "Cotswold Twin Male Lambs 'Frosty & Icicle' born at Riverdale Farm on January 24th" (were sent to Italy after being caught in an incestuous embrace); "Goat - Alpine Doe 'Kaboom' had a single birth, 1 female kid 'unnamed' yesterday around 10 am" (and was quickly taken into American captivity as 'Detainee Kaboom' and 'Detainee Unnamed').

The City of Toronto also failed to deliver honest and objective coverage of the 'Riverdale Romance', even though their "Purpose" as outlined on their website clearly states that Riverdale Farm will try to provide ". . .the opportunity to experience the atmosphere of a small Ontario farm".
Show me a small Ontario farm (besides 'SizeSmall Farm') where there isn't a little sex between the species going on and I'll show you a time bomb waiting go off! You'd be able to cut the sexual tension with a knife.

I also noticed that on the list of words one might hear at the Riverdale Farm the glossary fails to define recent expressions I feel would be helpful for visitors, such as: beastiality or unconsentual sexual relations; dismount; assault with a weapon; animal midwifery. The farm should be more than just 'a slice of country' for the children of large 'c' Conservatives.

Lastly, is anyone surprised that beer was involved?
Can the police really charge a guy for having his beer goggles on?
Surely there are some men amongst us that can sympathise with the situation?
And who was Mr. Kottaris trying to impress by running into the horse stall? Not only was that a "dangerous" move; but when was the last time you heard someone exclaim, ". . .and he was hung like a MAN!"
I doubt Holly, the resident mare, was the least bit impressed.
Perhaps Rooster, the gelding, took a mild interest.

No comments: