Monday, March 29, 2004

Keller Skelter

There is a tortured soul on Yonge Street whose appetite for the spoken word is insatiable.
I say "word" instead of "words" because his appetite is very selective.
Like Fraggles for Doozer buildings.
Or Gargamel for Smurf meat.
Or Oliver North for lying.

Yes, this discerning palate craves but one word, and one word alone: FUCK.
The Grandaddy of all curses, this man must be admired for cutting to the chase. There's no "Holy FUCK!" or "Jesus FUCKing Christ!" or "Mother FUCKer!"--not for this gent! Oh no! He gets straight to the point when he's cursing!

And he's blind.

And his swearing is very, very loud.

Thankfully, his blindness seems to keep him out of trouble, as he more often than not is cursing at a brick wall, or towards traffic (which in Toronto takes very little notice of those on two legs) and not directly at someone. Occasionally his cursing verges on adorable even! Like the day I saw his so gosh-darned tuckered out from screaming his obscenity that he had slumped to the ground, his only support a wall (which had obviously considered the earlier cursing he had given it as 'water under the bridge--noble, those walls!).

Many times I've been tempted to strike up a conversation--a little small fucking talk--but only once have I made a genuine effort. On the approach, ready to say "How the fuck goes it?", a lady in front of me motioned to put some change in his outstretched Starbucks cup. He jerked the cup back towards his breast just as she let go of the change, and coins danced around on the sidewalk like little elves wearing bells around their tree bakery!

B- "Don't touch them!! Leave them on the ground!!"
A- "Let me pick them up for you."
B- "No! Leave them!"

He was agitated. The good Samaritan was scared. I had lost my nerve.
The kind-hearted lady had put my mark in a bad mood, and I didn't figure he'd appreciate a little small fucking talk.

I was surprised at how quickly he pulled the cup back; I mean, another second and he'd be 35 cents richer!
I'm sure that the lady was surprised at how quickly he pulled the cup back; I mean, another second and she'd have done her philanthropy for the week!
He didn't give a fuck.

I wish that people like him would go on Speaker's Corner.
What a ratings boon that would be!

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