Tuesday, April 20, 2004


Modern surgery can work wonders.
People the world over, each and every day, look at themselves in the mirror and say:
"I'm just not making the grade--my nose is too big."
"I have spare tires that only a dune buggy could love!"
"My ears make me look like an waffle."

All cruel, yet all devastatingly true.

Recently, as a result of a visit to the neighbourhood convenience store, my eyes have lingered longer on a certain part of my body. With a heavy heart, I had to ask myself:
Has my back side ever offended anyone?
I mean, really offended anyone.
My question might sound ridiculous to the uninitiated; but those that have been to Trident Convenience will know the source of my insecurity exactly.
And it isn't popular media or fashion runways.

There is a cat there without a tail.
The cat is black and dingy.
The cat and I met when he ambushed me from above the door, continued on down my left shoulder and arm like an unwashed avalanche, piling to rest on the Toronto Sun rack.

I was surprised that my surprise had not caused another avalanche of yesterday's supper down my pant leg.

I noticed that the cat had no tail, and was black, and immediately a funny line occurred to me.

B- (to the clerk) "That black cat's got some bum luck--he's lost his tail!"

It was something to that effect. You may not be impressed by that line, and to be honest I had a million better lines, most making a clever reference to the nursery rhyme about three little kittens that have lost their mittens, but something about the expression on the girl's face told me that she wasn't really the booky type. That literature was something one found on the streets of Toronto when the snow melted.

The clerk, rather matter-of-factly reported:

A- "The tail knocked stuff off shelves; I put elastic on it, and it fell off."

Well. There you have it.

Matthew said it best in Chapter 18, verse 8:
". . .if it offend thee, cut it off."

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