Thursday, February 01, 2007

Under suspicion

I wouldn't say that I'm generally what people would describe as the "suspicious type". I have have the same boyish charm that I did in Grade 5, the same dopey eyes, the same crooked little smile--hell, I still get my hair cut in the school boy style (parted to the right). In fact, about the only thing that garners suspicion are my bowties, and it's always from members of the opposite sex, who look on wearily as if I may try to convert them to Mormonism.

Even my lime green pickup truck Betty, a classic '68 "Vanity Model" Chevy, attracts nothing by adoration.

Yet today, there was something about B that made the long arm of the law put on his leather gloves and approach me with caution in a parking lot. I should say "long arms", as there was a pair of Smokies giving me the 20 questions treatment.

I had thought nothing of the Cowtown Police paddy wagon driving the wrong way down a one way street behind The Palomino; the cops rarely observe traffic laws, and I didn't figure that they would pick today to start--it was cold out. I was toasty warm in my pheasant hunting curling sweater, a nice burgundy paisley bowtie, Arnold Palmer cardigan, light brown fedora, and sharp dark brown slacks. I felt like my mother's pride and joy on two legs! But that inflated opinion of myself would spring a leak when I noticed the coppers from the paddy wagon milling around Betty's nose. As I strolled over to put my parking chit in the windscreen, the one po-po startled back into the other, and things took an unfamiliar turn:

PP- "This your vehicle?"
B- (tipping my hat back)"Sure is! What a beauty, eh?"
PP- "Over the last 40 minutes I have observed you at three different locations around the city. Once at 14th and 11th. . ."
B- "Well, I actually saw you guys at 10th and 12th earlier, if that's what you were driving about 40 minutes ago."
PP- "Yes. And I am curious as to what you're up to."

". . .what you're up to?" Is that real copspeak?

B- "I'm a beer salesman for Steam Whistle Brewing."
PP- "Is that your homebrew?"
B- (I tried not to get snippy)"No. It's certainly no homebrew. We brew a pilsner beer in a National Historic Site at the base of the CN Tower--"
PP- "Yes--"
B- "Our brewmaster is from Pilsner Urquell, the original home of the style--"
PP- "Yes--fine. So what are you doing?"
B- "Well. . . typical salesman type things. I drive around to retailers and licensees. . ."
PP- "Yes--Is it typical for you to make so many stops?"
B- ". . . yes. I'm the only guy for the entire province, so I've got to keep moving."
PP- "I see."
B- "Can you call my boss and tell him that you've seen me all over town; he'd be awful pleased to hear that I'm working so hard."
PP- "Thank you."
B- ". . . keeping warm?"
PP- "Yes. Thank you."

Jumpin' Jeepers! What kind of crime spree would I be able to fashion in a bright green pickup truck while wearing a bowtie? I don't mean to flatter myself, but I have a university education: if I was going to go on a bloody rampage, I wouldn't wear a silk bowtie.


Idoru said...

really? because every time I pass your house on my way to work the green lady is parked lazily outside. With a build-up of snow that sometimes serves as a delightful message board. Can I tell your boss that?

B said...

Just don't tell them about the Maui Wowee that I transport around town in the back of the truck. They'd want a cut of the action.

Anonymous said...

Two words: Bowtie Killer. A character Michael Richards played in, two more words here, Problem Child.

Stacey (formerly Lilly)

Anonymous said...

Hey Brad! Don't know if you remember me...Sam Adams from Camp Chippewa- your TA for theater. I was researching something on Wikepedia and your name came back with the search was a trip. Looks like you're doin well for yourself. Congrats! I'm about to graduate university with an English degree and I've been writing like a madman. I had my first book published. Hope you are well. I have fond memories of our friendship. I wonder if you still listen to Bryan Adams allll the time? Let's hope you've diversified your taste.


B said...

Hey Sam!

You will be very pleased to know that I have outgrown my Bryan Adams phase. It was painful at first, like being cut with a knife--but now it feels so right. . . I guess it doesn't sound like I'm over him--but I am.
Published a book! Well say--Congratulations are in order. That's very snazzy! How can I get my hands on a copy?
You were both a great help and a great friend that summer in Wisconsin--I actually miss the North Woods. The following summer I worked in New Hampshire with the son of the guy who founded Samuel Adams brewery--which seemed to me to be a strange twist of fate.
Drop me an email: and fill me in on your book!