Monday, March 26, 2007

Art is in the eye of the beholder.

As part of my swinging bachelor routine, I go out to bars, restaurants, and cultural functions by myself. This is generally regarded by folks at bars, restaurants, and cultural functions as sad and pathetic. I can see it in their eyes.

Last week I attended a swank art auction at arts central in town here to raise money for ACAD. I was wearing the same outfit I would eventually wear two nights later at another art auction--but in a different city--because I liked the way it made me feel. People really love the jacket. It's what I imagine having really great fake tits feels like! Everyone's eyes on it--twinkling with wonder and amazement--and fleeting flashes of jealousy! I digress. . .

Ah yes--I was decked out in my yellow and black thatched pattern jacket, a bowtie, and some nice Converse high tops--very daper! And I was trying, with all my heart, not to look: 1) bored; 2) lonesome; and 3) sad and pathetic. It's not easy--but this amazing jacket helps.

So after about an hour of standing in one spot nursing a glass of wine, this guy walks up to me and says:

G- "Are you art?"

I mistook this to be a really awful pick-up line. Really awful.

B- "Well--hah--my mother thinks so! Ha ha ha!"
G- "So. . . you're not one of the auction pieces? Are you some installation art?"
B- (cluing in)"Ah. No. No--I just dress like this for the attention."
G- "Oh. Sorry. I just--we thought because you hadn't moved from that spot for the last hour that you were art."
B- "No. Just too lazy to move. Ha ha ha."

He walked away. I tried to resist the urge to move--even just a little--for fear of looking guilty of standing in one spot too long and being called on it.
I was eventually asked to move by the event organiser who gave my spot to the auctioneer--whose jacket, incidentally, wasn't as nice--and his bowtie wasn't hand tied. Looking at my replacement, I felt an arrogant superiority: no one would mistake him for art.


Anonymous said...

I too am a bachelor and I too have clothing that makes people look at me, so I can empathize. However, no one has ever mistaken me for art so I am a bit jealous. Maybe I should actually go to an art gallery sometime. Or maybe I'll just go to a pub and drink some Blue Beaver Beer instead.

Tess said...

You know what you need to go with that "thing" you have going on... A dog. A really funny looking dog, like a mini labra-doodle.

larryhi said...

Whats up. We are twin brothers also, Gary and Larry Lane 31. We are also actors, and live in Los Angeles.

We would love to talk more with you guys about the business. We are both really impressed with you work. Great Job Guys!

Anonymous said...

lol (disclaimer: I find blogs randomly & I'll prob never find them again in this huge internet world)

lol having huge tits doesn't make me feel like people stare cuz they just sit there & uve always had them, but having awesome abs! that'll help.

going out alone sucks! the trick, when u meet someone, just say ure friends left early, or they are upstairs, or something.

found this cuz Im watching reruns of undressed. bye & happy blogging