Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Catholic a-No-Go!

I was at a wedding recently which led me to think the following unsavory thought:
I wish Catholics would burn in Hell.

I was in a Catholic Church at the time, so you'll pardon me for already being in a bad mood.

Maybe not ALL Catholics; just the ones who believe being Catholic is so cool and being Anglican is so NOT. Like the Mother of the Bride on this particular day, for example.
We were hitting a nice groove about one and a half hours (that IS NOT a typo) into the service when the Most Reverend Toothless led his flock in an intonation of "The Lord's Prayer". I was an altar boy for years and years in a High Anglican Church, and can still remember a time in school when we had to actually SING 'Oh Canada', SPEAK 'The Lord's Prayer', and READ from the Bible (a long time ago, I know)--so I take to 'The Lord's Prayer' like a fish to water. Could do it in my sleep.
But THE CATHOLICS, unbeknownst to me, have some half-assed abbreviated version that omits some of my favorite bits of Deity ass-kissing--the Kingdom, Power, and Glory stuff--and substitutes in a few moments for the Reverend to moan on about something--I don't know what--before finishing the regular way. Needless to say, I kept rolling on "The Lord's Prayer" while the rest of the parishioners fell noticeably silent.

Great.

Now everyone knows I'm Anglican. Terrific.

As if I wasn't enough of an outsider, then the Reverend Father forbids--FORBIDS--me from taking Communion. Now, to be truthful, he didn't single me out personally and say:

R- "Everyone! Come and have a bit of Christ with me! Except you, B, unclean beast that you are."

No. Instead he gets all timid, like a kid forced to apologise for saying something completely honest, yet completely inappropriate, and says:

R- "Now, in the Catholic Church, Communion is a sacred right. . ." blah blah blah ". . .and I ask that only people baptized in the Catholic Church partake."

The fuck you say?
I don't recall Jesus--a Jew--being too fussy about who He shared his wine with. Hell, He even let the dude who was to betray HIm get crunked. Why so picky now, Catholic Church?

Supposedly I could have gone up and crossed my arms and received a blessing--but fuck that shit--the reason I can't get the drinky-drinky in the first place is because I'm going to Hell for being Anglican; what on Earth do I need this guy's blessing for? So he can get some wood being close to a Devil? Bah!

So I sat it out, steaming like I've never steamed before.

AND THEN, to top it all off, during the "Sharing the Peace" part of the service (hour two) when people are supposed to be nice to each other and actually share some PEACE, the mother of the bride turns to me, shakes my hand, and says:

MOB- "Learn your 'Our Father'."

BEEEEE-ATCH! The words you're looking for are 'Peace be with you, brother.'

I know my "Lord's Prayer"; I'll learn this so-called "Our Father" when Christ falls off the cross!

I was so fit to be tied I just wanted to drown someone in the cistern.
But I didn't.
Nearly, though.

8 comments:

James Bow said...

Heh. Good post. This Anglican sympathizes. Although, I have bad news for you regarding the Anglican Church. Have you heard of the Book of Alternative Services? I fear they brought in the same people who translated the Catholic mass. I miss the Book of Common Prayer.

I know a number of Catholics, having married into the family. More than a few will sympathize with your sentiments over how the language and service has changed.

B said...

A like-minded fellow!
The little town I grew up in, about halfway through my youth, purchased some brand-spankin-new copies of the Book of Alternative Services; but old habits die hard, and folks insisted on the same old same old when it came to the day-to-day operations. Our services were what I would describe as "High" Anglican, as I grew up in an Irish Catholic town--this meant that the Anglicans were fiercely opposed to anything which seemed remotely Catholic (even though things were remarkably similar in tone).
I'm glad there is a place I can turn when the Catholic mass has got me down--thanks!

Dead Robot said...

You didn't miss much. Catholics went Atkins a couple years back so the wafers are horrid.

And the correct response to Mrs Yammenhimer's "Learn your 'Our Father'" is "Open your goddamned mind, you bunker-headed Catholic!"

Or something.

Yeah I use to be there. Now I believe in time travel after death.

Or something.

angela said...

some catholic churches do the lords prayer from start to finish. only sunday school kids call it the 'our father'

B said...

angela, you said it perfectly.
i was about to reach out and do some Sunday School hair pulling, but thought better of it in case the bride lost her marbles. (I mean, the last thing you want interrupting your service is some yokel pulling your mother's hair in the pews--am I right?)

Yammenhimer--I like that.

Anonymous said...

Two fucking hours later?! I mean, that's TWO FUCKING HOURS of your life you will NEVER get back, dude! Are you at least sleeping with the bride or one of her attendents? I would NEVER give up that much of my life for someone's wedding. I would say, I'll meet you all at the pub after. I have something more pressing to do. (Nap, of course.)

Lilly

talk talk talk said...

I sympathize! The best for me was when my at the time new in-laws dutifully attended Christmas Eve mass with us at our low Anglican church, giggling through the service. Then on our way out to the cars, they announced they were off to the real mass.

B said...

Lily--These folks basked--wallowed--in the indulgent length of their ceremony! The mother and father of the bride sang 6 songs in a church which was selected because of its acoustics. If I told them to meet me at the pub later, I would given the name of one I most certainly would not be at (even if I got drunk and started wandering late at night).

Triple T--A "real" mass? Bah! Old Testament God loved all the suffering; New Testament God loves to Par-tay Har-tay!