Monday, July 10, 2006

Douchebag Anchorman

I recently did a "Cooking with Beer" demo for a Noon News segment, during which all the wheels fell off the wagon.

I had decided to make "Lumpy's Dressing", a very easy, very pleasant salad dressing I chose because of its bacon content. Worried that the studio burner wouldn't work, I pre-crisped some bacon; I figured that of the ingredients (fresh minced garlic and shallots, Steam Whistle, oil, vinegar, and bacon) bacon was the only real thing that presented a problem if the burner was MIA. Or the anchor Kosher.

Sure as shit, I get all my stuff arranged perfectly on the cooking set, pretty as you please, and the moment the camera turns on myself and the anchor, I discover we're up a creek:

A- "So, shall we get started cooking with beer?"
B- "I thought you'd never ask!"

(click. click. click. The dial on the burner was producing a spark, but no flame.)

B- "I'll willing to bet you a beer that this burner is out of gas."
A- (totally pissed off, no longer covered in a polite veneer)"Can we get someone in here to fix this!?"

That someone was the poor bastard standing just off camera--and he had nothing. His shoulders were shrugged, and his palms were turned upwards. Perfect. No problem. I've got the pre-crisped bacon!

I soon realised that, as a result of our little setback, my anchor buddy was now not interested in our cooking segment in the least. I was starting to sweat.

After miming the delicious smells and preparation of "Lumpy's Dressing" I poured it over the salad which A had, gracelessly, "helped" assemble. Moment of truth:

B- "Wow! This looks delicious! Would you like to try some?"
A- "No."
B- (at a total loss for words)"Are you sure? There's plenty for both of us!"
A- (firmly)"No."
B- "Oooooooo-kay then. . .more for me."

And with that I took the biggest forkfull of lettuce I could, and stuffed it into my mouth. I'm sure it looked worse than it sounds.

B- "Well, we've got a bit of time--how about we grab a Live Eye and head out to the parking lot? I'll do a burnout demonstration for the kids at home."
A- "No."
B- "Oooooooo-kay. Well, I made you this thank you card because my mom is watching by satellite; I didn't want her to think my manners had gone to pot since I moved out to Alberta."
A- "Thanks. That's sweet. Did you want to say 'Hi' to your mom?"
B- "Sure! Hi mom!"

Take me out behind the barn and shoot me.

My phone rang once I had finished packing up and was loading my truck in the parking lot. It was mom.

B- "Yello!"
M- "That guy was a total asshole."
B- "Hi mom!"
M- "Thanks for saying 'Hi'--your aunt E saw and she just called me and told me that she thought it was sooo sweet!"
B- "I try."

So, at the very least, it makes me look that much better than my cousins; I mean, when was the last time they said 'Hi' to their mother on teevee? Like, never.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wait. Did you just say you'll do a burnout, or that you're a burnout? I'm confused. :-)